Wednesday, May 2, 2012

Hurt Feelings

Not to jinx anything, but since our last major blow up in March, B and I have been doing really well.  I'm trying not to let the little things bother me and I think he's doing the same.

I have a temper.  It's pretty much under control now, but I know it is there and I know the power of hurtful words.  I try to keep both those hurtful words and my temper in check.  B doesn't seem to do the same.

 I am very sensitive about my weight.  He knows that.  I've gained and lost many many pounds over the years and my thoughts never seem to veer far from calories and fat grams.  Over the weekend, I made a batch of oatmeal raisin cookies.  B is in love with those cookies.  Last night, he was in the kitchen and I asked him to bring me a cookie.  He did, but jokingly said that he couldn't because he only "had a few left".  I knew he was joking and it made me feel good that he enjoyed the cookies so much.  Later in the evening, I got up to put dinner away.  As I headed toward the kitchen, he asked where I was going.  I jokingly said, "I'm going to go eat another one of your cookies".  He started talking about how if I keep that up I'll get to be "as big as a house" and how I've gained weight recently.  He even corrected himself and said "gained a lot of weight".  Um, huh????  In fact, I've dropped about 4 pounds in about a week.  I ate one cookie while he has polishes off up to half a dozen a day and to top it off, I was joking!! I had no intention of eating another frickin' cookie!!

I was hurt and without another word, I changed into my pajamas and went to bed.  I woke up today still very hurt over his words.  He has no idea what his words did to me. He has no idea the kind of effect they have on someone who obsesses about weight 24/7.

I was thinking about it this morning and I realized I'm not hurt that he said those words to me, I'm hurt that he said them in anger.  If he had sat me down and told me that he is notices that I've gained weight and wants to help me, I'd be grateful.  But the fact, that he threw those words at me because he thought I was going to eat one of his precious cookies was just horrible.

To top it off, I've lost weight in recent weeks.  The amount is not a lot, but the fact there has not bee any huge weight gain, but in fact a small weight loss, makes his words seem that much more shitty.

I want to talk to him about it, but in true B fashion I'm afraid he'll get defensive and start with the whole "I'll never mention it again" and all that BS.  With the exception of this hiccup, things have been really good with us and I'm not sure if I should just suck his comments up or if I should bring it up and risk ripples in my pond.

ETA:  I spoke to him about it.  He apologized and gave me a kiss.  This man NEVER apologizes.  HUGE step!!

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